Trauma is not the actual event but the long lasting impact left on our minds and bodies after that event that continues to cause physical and psychological harm" - Gabor Maté
Physical and emotional pain are both perceived similarly by the brain. However, because emotional pain is not necessarily caused by physical causes, it can be difficult for the mind to process, especially in childhood.
Children have a very limited perspective because their world is narrow, and their experiences and outlooks are shaped by only a few individuals in their lives. When children make mistakes, feel disappointment or even physical experiences like tiredness, sleep deprivation, hunger etc. they struggle to identify these feelings and don’t know how to respond to them.
If they sense their home and caregivers showing signs of stress, frustration, anger, or impulsiveness, they often start to feel responsible for those behaviours. This causes them emotional pain and yet their symptoms appear to be physical and can present as headaches, stomach-aches, loss of appetite, bed-wetting, dizziness, heart palpitations, chest tightness and shortness of breath.
Learning about our own shortcomings, being honest to children about them in an age appropriate manner helps them acknowledge these ‘difficult and overwhelming’ emotions as part of being human, without any guilt, shame or judgement. When we show them how we are managing our difficult emotions in a regulated manner, they learn to do the same for themselves in time. If we project our own insecurities about these uncomfortable emotions onto others (including them) and point fingers at them, it starts to consolidate the schema that ‘they are bad, trouble, the problem’ and that lays the very foundation of people pleasing and self sacrifice to gain any form of validation from others. Sometimes this even presents as narcissistic personalities where the insecurities are used to create a persona that is fuelled by bullying others to make ourselves feel better. Until others feel pain or try to win us over, the narcissistic elements of that person’s personality don’t feel validated.
How can we learn to model wholesome versions of ourselves?
Inculcating honesty and integrity comes with accepting and then responding to difficult and uncomfortable emotions rather than refuting or invalidating their existence and significance.
Encouraging environments where they feel safe in doing so helps them develop a trusting relationship with us and feel comfortable in sharing their challenges, big or small, rather than seeking external support and validation.
Physical pain in the form of pushing, hitting, kicking, punching etc. obviously causes physical injuries but leaves far reaching emotional and psychological wounds. The abuse confuses children as well as adults who haven’t learnt to understand their own emotional and physical needs in a safe manner. They get stuck in this unpredictable cycle of emotional volatility that renders them deeply mistrustful with a predominantly hypervigilant attitude that constantly scans for threats and conflicts believing the world to be a scary and unsafe place. Their injuries might be physical but the emotional and psychosocial trauma they carry within them causes severe stresses which manifests in several other illnesses including autoimmune diseases, inflammatory diseases as well as cardio and neurovascular diseases.
A trusted therapist can work in a trauma-informed way to help them work through these confusing and challenging issues and experiences in a manner that allows them to implement strategies that engage the parasympathetic system while unlearning the impact of traumatic behaviours, thoughts and core beliefs. It also helps them process discomfort from the experiences and emotions as mere discomfort and not a threat or danger anymore. The healing takes time, patience and commitment to work through all of these feelings and thought processes that we are unaware of because they usually predominate in our subconscious states.
