Communication is a skill. The ability to respectfully articulate our thoughts and emotions in a clear and effective manner without degrading or humiliating others is assertive communication. However, even when we try our best to be mindful of others and convey our thoughts and feelings with respect, others can take offence or become aggressive towards us.
The reason is simple but uncomfortable to digest. Unfortunately, everyone is entitled to their opinion and thoughts, no matter how unreasonable they might be. We can’t control or change their thoughts or behaviours. Accepting the reality that following our values in making a decision will not facilitate a favourable response from others is not only essential but very helpful.
It’s not easy at all though and this is where practising psychological strategies of ‘acknowledging the discomfort and then expanding the space around it’ can be very useful. We can also learn to implement other distress tolerance skills during these times e.g., ‘dipping hands in ice cold water, splashing ice cold water on face’ etc as long as there are no contraindications for these.
Expecting other people to like us, agree with us, support us and accept us because we’re following our values leads to serious disappointments and heartache. People usually protest when others follow their own values that differ from their own because on an individual level, we prefer to be selfish.
However, many people who are ‘internalisers’ have been taught by their environments that pursuit of their own beliefs and values will make them unpopular. Hence, rather than choosing their own needs and values, they learn to prioritise others approval of them. Every time they prioritise the approval and acceptance of others, they sacrifice their own needs. The desire to belong and be accepted takes precedence over everything. Over time, they start to normalise this experience. They do more and more for others without being asked to, in the constant hope and desire to have that reciprocated and their efforts valued.
Unfortunately, the prioritisation of others over their own needs exacerbates the emotional injuries and consolidates the core beliefs and schema of ‘them not being good enough’ in their lives. They work harder and harder to be noticed and appreciated but do not receive the same reciprocation from others. This consistent absence of acknowledgement feeds into the desire for validation until the seeds of resentment are sown. They start to feel unseen and unheard despite working harder than others and that continues to further erode their self esteem. They feel hopeless and frustrated and these emotions become all encompassing due to the cumulative burden over the years.
The people who ‘externalise’ issues are often attracted to internalisers. Externalisers are usually those who point the finger at others when something doesn’t work out favourably and prefer to proclaim successes as their own. They also like to outwardly show their support meanwhile depleting the resources of the internalisers in their lives.
This chaotic oscillation between these people and their dynamics maintains the reality of ‘familiar’ and since the mind keeps returning to familiar even if destructive, this vicious cycle continues to perpetuate until the externaliser explodes or the internaliser implodes.
Identifying our own individual needs and values in any dynamic is crucial to avoid getting enmeshed in this kind of mayhem. And that is just the beginning because after that identification comes the process of understanding why we developed these behaviours and how hard they are ingrained in our beings. Then begins the healing and repair which involves separating the person from the behaviours to make the process objective and helpful. Unfortunately, people still find it hard to not take these things personally.
I hope that helps to clarify a few things about the dynamic that is very common in people who feel overwhelmed, frustrated and invisible in their relationships despite doing the lion’s share of the work required to maintain the relationships.
