We all have experienced this phenomenon even as children. If a 4-year-old trips and falls, the other children would probably giggle, ignore them or tell them off for being clumsy. The handful who don’t react in these ways might feel they are the odd ones out; unpopular, different (read weird) and hence wrong! Clearly if they were right, they would be in the majority. Right? Surely everyone knows that the one who falls feels deeply embarrassed and awkward irrelevant to the physical injuries, so how can that be funny or forgettable for anyone else? It’s definitely not something ‘they’ forget for a long time and this can be one of the few stumbles they have if they choose to walk their right path.
Let’s consider another scenario:
The students who refuse to cheat or let others copy their answers will face vilification and be labelled as ‘losers/mamma’s babies or teacher’s pets.’ So should they stop being ‘goody two shoes’ and start doing the same as the others and if they don’t, why does that still hurt so much? Why do they still feel lonely when they know that the ‘others’ are not really kids with similar values as them?
It’s because as humans we need and crave connection, understanding, guidance when we are younger and mentoring when we are older. We also need unconditional love (that does not mean acceptance of all problems as amazing qualities but to be present as we motivate ourselves to ‘grow’ physically and emotionally and become our healthy (not perfect but balanced) adult self.
Doing things that matter to us will always be hard. But continuing to persevere because they matter and align with our values even when we are on our own or have a few handful in our corner is harder because it can seem lonely, often ‘too much’ and relentless. Yet, recognising ourselves as we endure these challenges with commitment is truly rewarding in the long run.
We need healthy adults in our lives who can model these behaviours for us, support and guide us firmly but with kindness, respect and care. We need those whom we can trust to be patient as we make mistakes so we can learn from them, rather than be called the ‘worst possible mistake or the reason for all their troubles!’
It’s so important to identify that these things that we hear growing up become our internal monologue and part of our schemas (beliefs and belief systems through which we see the world and others in it, including ourselves).
Many schemas can lead to coping behaviours that help us ‘survive’ in childhood but later on become deeply problematic as maladaptive behaviours that can become so ingrained that many of us feel they are unchangeable!
The good news is that they definitely are changeable, no matter how long we’ve had them for, but they need a lot of practice, committed work, guidance and mentoring by someone who can be a ‘healthy adult/parent’ for us as we explore ourselves through the lens of therapy.
I hope this post can provide some motivation to those who might be asking themselves why they were putting up with so many challenges and why couldn’t life ever be easy. I also hope that it can be a genuine respectful recognition of the worth of all those who are choosing to stand up for their values and showing up for themselves despite not being fortunate to have parents or caregivers who taught them that because this is not an innate quality one is born with.
You are all irreplaceable and deeply appreciated.
Please don’t give up and reach out to a trusted therapy provider around you if you are struggling on your own.
