I hail from the subcontinent and there, the expression of deep sadness and grief is often conveniently attributed to something shameful.
The subcontinental and Asian cultures still hold strong to the thinking of the ancient Greeks and Egyptians of early nineteenth century where the ‘wandering uterus’ was the source of ‘women’s diseases.’ I’m sure you are familiar with the term hysteria, proclaiming women’s issues to be caused by the ‘hysteron’ i.e. uterus.
The mindset promoting expression of intense and deep emotions due to a ‘melancholic uterus’ shaped the belief across many cultures that women were the embodiment of ‘weakness’ and needed to be institutionalised to undergo ‘curative treatments’ of the wandering and melancholic uterus!
Contemporary thought systems endorse those same traditional beliefs of showing emotions as weakness. Consequently, both men and women demonstrate their strength by suppressing their grief along with other ‘inconvenient and uncomfortable experiences.’ They hide it, disconnect from it, numb themselves to it and invest all their energies in ‘getting their acts together and living because the living don’t die with the dead.’
It’s not surprising how so many women become people pleasers. Years and sadly decades of their lives are spent revolving around the fulfilment of others’ wishes as a means of seeking value and validation. Many do not even realise they’re doing all of this and those who do, believe it to be futile to even try and contemplate change of any kind.
Unfortunately, despite all of that, grief still stays and spreads its roots deep inside our beings; because grief is real and it needs processing.
Also, it has no expiry date.
We can remember our loved ones at any time, for as long as it seems okay, whenever and wherever. And even twenty-five years later, the sudden tearing up at a flash of a distant memory, is absolutely okay.
Fact check: You’ll only get two to three days as bereavement leave in Australia. Because after three days…
Processing and respecting grief can be a deeply painful experience yet imperative for every single one of us to ‘work through’ and find healing.
No one ‘moves on’ from grief. They wear their grief carefully entwined within the fibre of their nostalgic yearning wherever they are, for as long as they are alive.
And yes, that’s still okay.
Bereavement underpins the realisation that someone we cared for, deeply loved, respected and valued, is no longer there.
