Intentions speak louder than actions but if actions continue to take us away from our values then the well-meaning intentions will turn into suppressed emotions creating a different type of trauma response in us.
A gentle mother who wants to help her child toughen up against children who tease him stops herself when the boy’s father yells at him for crying. She doesn’t comfort him even though she wants to because her husband will hold her responsible for ‘weakening the boy.’ She doesn’t tell him crying is a normal response and not a sign of weakness. She doesn’t support him the way he wanted to be supported and the discipline training of the boy continued throughout his adolescent years. Instead of graduating from school, the boy started taking drugs. He felt misunderstood, a misfit, and all alone. It was easier to take drugs than live the life his parents and the circumstances had crafted for him.
His choice for taking drugs was his own doing but the circumstances that led him to that path involved others.
Somewhere along the line, had someone held his hand, embraced him and his feelings without judgement or shame, helped him endure and persevere and continue to believe in hope and inspiration, his choices could have been different.
The mother said, “I didn’t know he would turn out like this.”
The father said, “He was always a weakling.”
The boy shrugged absent-mindedly.
Pain, sadness, disappointments and difficulties are inevitable in our lives. How we choose to manage them is what usually determines our paths.
Strength doesn’t come from suppressing normal and healthy emotions. It comes from learning to manage and regulate them and building a resilient mind, body and spirit by doing so. It comes from acceptance with respect and comforting in times of hardship with sincerity. It comes from genuine connection that is not conditional. It comes from learning from mistakes and favourable opportunities. Last but not the least, it comes from kindness towards ourselves and by extension to others.
