As human beings we all experience feelings and emotions and often people start thinking that doing so makes us become a problem. Unfortunately, it’s not feeling the emotions that could be viewed as problematic but how we respond/react to emotions.
For example, Mr X has lost his job. He’s the sole earner in his family of 4, his wife is on maternity leave after their second child and he has just signed his mortgage. He finds himself in a position where things seem pretty bleak and he can’t see a way out. His wife has found it challenging to look after the children on her own while he’s been away at work, however atleast that meant they were getting a steady income. His extended family lives overseas and his close friends are not financially strong at that time too.
He feels disappointed as the head of the house and as he struggles to find solutions, he is met with further disappointments. He becomes more irritable and starts to drink to cope with his stresses. Unfortunately this causes only more confrontations at home when he starts going in later in the evenings because his wife has been asking him to help her out if he is not at work.
But he feels like a complete loser and failure. That’s when ‘shame’ shows up and it impacts him so significantly that rather than taking some time to reflect on his circumstances and figuring out what could be helpful, he starts to spiral into the darkness of shame, anger and depression.
Unsure of how to manage these challenging emotional experiences, with his appetite and sleep also affected, he begins to gain weight. A visit to his GP reveals he has an elevated blood pressure, high cholesterol and borderline diabetes.
The GP asks him to try and change a few simple things like:
- Cut down on drinking
- Start walking daily for 10 minutes
- Have more protein in his diet e.g fish, chicken, eggs, lean red meat and lentils
That’s when he explodes at the GP whom he had seen for the first time in 2 years, accusing him of being ‘a money hungry doctor’ who couldn’t care about his life and just wanted to get him on some pills. He storms off after yelling at the reception staff for asking him to pay for the consultation and gets even angrier when they try to explain that intimidation and aggression is not tolerated at their practice. He is asked to step into the practice manager’s office, sit down for a few minutes and have a glass of water.
The nurse brings him the glass of water and stands by the door in silence as he gulps down the water and is about to slam the glass down but as an afterthought just puts it down firmly.
By the time the Practice Manager arrives, he has slumped into the chair and has covered his face in his hands.
‘Mr X, I can see you are dealing with a lot at this time. I’m just here to ask if there’s anything we can do to assist you. I hope you don’t mind my asking, but I just wanted to make sure you were okay.’
Mr X breaks down. Slowly he tells her what has happened and how much they are struggling at home and he’s not been able to find another job or lend a hand to his wife who is exhausted.
The Practice Manager lets him talk and ‘holds space’ for him as he starts to share all that he’s been carrying alone because he didn’t want to be a weak and pathetic man.
Sharing his issues helped him feel a bit better. The Practice Manager handed him a business card of a recruitment agent she knew personally and suggested he try his luck there.
Mr X immediately felt remorseful for his loud and unruly behaviour and after paying for the consultation at the front desk, mumbled an apology before walking out. The staff smiled and reassured him they were fine and he should take care of himself.
Holding space is to provide people an opportunity to pause, process and reflect on what is happening and how they are feeling, without any judgement or criticism.
Even though the Practice Manager and the team were not therapists, they were able to provide Mr X the opportunity to sit down and process what was happening. That allowed him to feel seen, heard and understood. His problems weren’t solved but his behaviour and how he had been managing his emotions did start to change. It’s important to remember that though we can all ‘hold space’, don’t forget the staff, the doctors, nurses etc. are humans too and have their own life challenges along with the service they provide.
This is a very simplified version of how ‘holding space’ can be helpful, where we do not change or control anything but still facilitate a meaningful response in a person who had become stuck in survival mode and become overwhelmed.
